not exactly Fort Knox

comediandaveanthony:

Moan

Wife:  ”Is that him crying?” (referring to our son)

Me: “No.”

Moan

Wife: “That’s him crying!”

Wife jumps up and starts hustling toward back of apartment.

Me: “Not unless he’s getting his pussy eaten.”

Wife stops, turns and looks at me, then opens the window, and hears the neighbor’s moans.  She listens for a moment.

Wife:  ”Did you just say ‘not unless our son is getting his pussy eaten?’”

Me: “Yep”

1) I am a hermit-My natural instinct is to just stay at home all the time. I have zero problems with being a loner and spending my Friday and Saturday nights like that. Even when my favorite band is playing in the city and it’s the day of, the whole time the day of I don’t want to go at all. Thing is, when I get there and I’m with a friend, everything is cool and I don’t want it to end. But whenever I am about to go out, I get that feeling, and I have to fight it. Every time.

Think of me as Cameron Frye in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and how he has to work himself up to go out. It’s kind of like that. Because going out in public is a chore. I’ll fight it on the inside but I probably won’t say ‘no’ if you do drag me out.
2) Social Anxiety Disorder + being really shy + being awkward -I’ve been diagnosed and taken pills for anxiety disorder. I don’t anymore for anything and I’m cool as shit. But there’s still that fucking monitor in my fucking head the whole time I’m out and I’m fully aware of everything. I’m sure other people have it, but I especially do. It sucks…
3) I hate being in bars at night -If it’s the day time, bars serve food/drinks or if it’s Trivia Night, I am 100% down. But being in a bar at night during the weekends sets off absolutely every social anxiety I have: ladies and guys alike dressed up way too much, bad smells, excessively loud/shitty music, bros, dickish bouncer, dancing, overcrowded, overpriced drinks, shitty bathrooms, and the crowd generally not being my crowd.

It makes me look like I’m a curmudgeon that I hate all of this but I think you have to be really drunk or desperate to get laid to put yourself through all that shit. But that’s just me.

4) I am a really shitty excuse for a drinker-I get buzzed off of less than 1 beer only all the time.It is fucking pathetic. And I am deathly afraid of losing control and getting arrested for a DUI like family members and friends have. You have no idea. Like Final Destination, I have visions of this shit happening and my life falling apart more than it already could.

Also, I generally hate the taste of beer. So you will see me chasing: beer in one hand, coke in the other. Always. I read the Leonardo DiCaprio does the same thing, so I’m fucking cool with it even if I am not DiCaprio and it’s bullshit if I think I can play it off like he can.
5) Being at a bar means being in Worcester -despite being back home for 2 years. My defense? All my friends don’t really live around here. Nor would I want to hang or go out with a girl whose idea of fun is to be in Worcester. It’s nothing against you, I just hate Worcester

When people mention bars or street names, it falls on deaf ears. 
“Marty, you seriously don’t know what Water Street is? It’s only where ALL the bars in Worcester are. Do you at least know what Shrewsbury Street is?”
“Well, yeah. It’s named after the town where we’re from.”
“And would you know that name it was if it wasn’t?”
“Nope.”
Ignorance is bliss. I hate Worcester and being in Worcester: it’s what I imagine being in Iraq is like. If I die within 30 minutes of Worcester, I will have failed at life.

6) …But here’s a good excuse…I hate the idea of running into people from high school 
I did some dickish/questionable things in high school and I always have to end up apologizing for the guilt I have for something I did, even if that person was a dick. It’s basically a My Name Is Earl-esque thing where I seriously find myself apologizing to everybody for something (mostly people I played sports with).

Most of it is  really stupid shit. It’s not so much that I am outwardly a dick, it’s just that I tend to be a very non-serious person who turns everything into a joke. Like the time I made fun of a classmate (while eating out a box of Froot Loops) who hit a girl with his car in the high school parking lot…all WHILE the girl’s broken leg was pinned beneath his fucking tire. I nearly got my ass kicked for that one. I made the mistake of laughing at something that would be funny AFTER the fact DURING the fact. Big difference. It’s probably become an instinctive defense mechanism probably for having been depressed real young and it’s how I deal with everything. It works for me, it just took awhile to know when to keep my laughter to myself.

…for instance, this is a couple of people who I ran into tonight…
-BARTENDER (QB/TEAMMATE OF MINE): He was a dick and this was the consensus of everyone. And a lot built up to this moment where we collided: I held the door open for him in gym class Sophomore year, he pushed me hard in the chest, and I instinctively punched him in his face and then followed through on a ridiculous backhand bitchslapping after said punch. It knocked off his eye glasses. The whole gym class started laughing their ass off at him including his best friend/star of the team who said it was awesome and that he deserved it. He was so stunned that anybody would ever do that and humiliate him that he had to gather himself and walk away. I was stunned that I did it too. Even those that hated him says he has mellowed since. 

-RICH KID WHO GETS THE BREAKS: made all the Varsity teams he was on and any other team that involved cuts despite how awful he was. Everybody knew this, talked about it behind his back, but when I thought he was being a dick I hit him with that. I think I was way too cutting than I should have been even if he could be really pompous. He wasn’t a bad dude other than that, but fuck. I felt awful directly after I said it.
-KYLE: when we see each other, it’s love and hugs. Always. But his locker was by mine in 7th grade. But I absolutely fucked up his locker, put deodorant everywhere, and also put dog shit in it. This is the type of shit I did when I was stuck at school until 8 PM at night due to basketball because I had no ride home like the other kids to and from. My defense: I thought his locker was some other kid I hated.

Thing is this: I do get along with everybody and I am one of the least dramatic, non-confrontational, and most mellow people in person you could hope to meet. So while I hate the idea of running into people I haven’t seen in awhile, when I do, it’s all all right.

7) I have trouble peeing in public: FOR INSTANCE: ‘Breaking your seal’ and the first time I kissed a random girl at a bar ended in disaster-I was in high school and visiting my brother where he was a bouncer at a bar in the Bronx. It was illegal that they were serving underage college kids, so it was the popular Freshman bar. I have trouble peeing in public and I couldn’t pee for hours. There was one long line line and only 2 shitty toilets and everybody is staring at you. This is hell for someone like me who doesn’t need the pressure. I can’t even pee with another person in the bathroom. So my brother, with his Don Draper firm coolness, says, ‘don’t worry, beer will help break your seal. You’ll be all right.’ He had to inform me what breaking one’s seal meant. So a random girl came up to me and started making out with me. We started dancing and grinding to “Pour Some Sugar on Me”. And I finally broke my seal all over her leg. But I think she just thought I got beer on her or some shit. My brother was looking on with his buddies clapping and I remember drunkenly yelling out to my brother while laughing, ‘HEY! I THINK I JUST BROKE MY SEAL!”. God, it would have been fitting if an R Kelly song was on. I have never felt more relieved and happy in my life than during that moment. I ended up going to the bathroom for the rest of that night without a problem and high-fiving everybody on my way out of the bathroom.

8) Hipster Dive Bars -even worse than crowded bars that play obnoxiously loud dance music are bars where they don’t have TV’s. Well, maybe they do. But they haven’t updated their analog TV and it is set on fishing or QVC just to be ironic. Fuuuuck youuu. It’s the 21st century and there’s no excuse for going into a bar and not having multiple TV’s with sports playing. Have TV’s with sports playing or GTFO. At least the loudest and most obnoxious of bars will oblige you with multiple TV’s everywhere.

———————————————-

Anyways, there’s that: I went out with a kid who I hadn’t seen since my Freshman year of high school back in 2002. I said, ‘fuck it, Let’s.’ Or as my roommate would say, ‘Do it for the story’ in his over-the-top approach to absolutely everything he does. We went to 4 different bars which is 3 more than I thought we’d be going to and ran into a shit load of people I went to high school with. But sometimes, as Hillary Duff would say, ‘why not to take a crazy chance/why not do a crazy dance’. OH, FUCK IT! I am NEVER doing that again! Not in Worcester! I still hate you!

youshallnotass:

(via girlishwhimsy)