not exactly Fort Knox

popculturebrain: nbcsnl: Stefon’s farewell had, well,...

Sun, 19 May 2013 09:11:27 -0400

nbcsnl:

Stefon’s farewell had, well, everything. We love you Stefon. Thanks for everything!

Perfection.

the two lines that killed me…
-“…the table from Charlie Rose”
-the Phil Jackson “Scottie” line with the finger-point

Why I Don't Go Out to Bars AKA Why I Suck

Sun, 19 May 2013 03:44:00 -0400

1) I am a hermit-My natural instinct is to just stay at home all the time. I have zero problems with being a loner and spending my Friday and Saturday nights like that. Even when my favorite band is playing in the city and it’s the day of, the whole time the day of I don’t want to go at all. Thing is, when I get there and I’m with a friend, everything is cool and I don’t want it to end. But whenever I am about to go out, I get that feeling, and I have to fight it. Every time.

Think of me as Cameron Frye in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and how he has to work himself up to go out. It’s kind of like that. Because going out in public is a chore. I’ll fight it on the inside but I probably won’t say ‘no’ if you do drag me out.
2) Social Anxiety Disorder + being really shy + being awkward -I’ve been diagnosed and taken pills for anxiety disorder. I don’t anymore for anything and I’m cool as shit. But there’s still that fucking monitor in my fucking head the whole time I’m out and I’m fully aware of everything. I’m sure other people have it, but I especially do. It sucks…
3) I hate being in bars at night -If it’s the day time, bars serve food/drinks or if it’s Trivia Night, I am 100% down. But being in a bar at night during the weekends sets off absolutely every social anxiety I have: ladies and guys alike dressed up way too much, bad smells, excessively loud/shitty music, bros, dickish bouncer, dancing, overcrowded, overpriced drinks, shitty bathrooms, and the crowd generally not being my crowd.

It makes me look like I’m a curmudgeon that I hate all of this but I think you have to be really drunk or desperate to get laid to put yourself through all that shit. But that’s just me.

4) I am a really shitty excuse for a drinker-I get buzzed off of less than 1 beer only all the time.It is fucking pathetic. And I am deathly afraid of losing control and getting arrested for a DUI like family members and friends have. You have no idea. Like Final Destination, I have visions of this shit happening and my life falling apart more than it already could.

Also, I generally hate the taste of beer. So you will see me chasing: beer in one hand, coke in the other. Always. I read the Leonardo DiCaprio does the same thing, so I’m fucking cool with it even if I am not DiCaprio and it’s bullshit if I think I can play it off like he can.
5) Being at a bar means being in Worcester -despite being back home for 2 years. My defense? All my friends don’t really live around here. Nor would I want to hang or go out with a girl whose idea of fun is to be in Worcester. It’s nothing against you, I just hate Worcester

When people mention bars or street names, it falls on deaf ears.
“Marty, you seriously don’t know what Water Street is? It’s only where ALL the bars in Worcester are. Do you at least know what Shrewsbury Street is?”
“Well, yeah. It’s named after the town where we’re from.”
“And would you know that name it was if it wasn’t?”
“Nope.”
Ignorance is bliss. I hate Worcester and being in Worcester: it’s what I imagine being in Iraq is like. If I die within 30 minutes of Worcester, I will have failed at life.

6) …But here’s a good excuse…I hate the idea of running into people from high school
I did some dickish/questionable things in high school and I always have to end up apologizing for the guilt I have for something I did, even if that person was a dick. It’s basically a My Name Is Earl-esque thing where I seriously find myself apologizing to everybody for something (mostly people I played sports with).

Most of it is really stupid shit. It’s not so much that I am outwardly a dick, it’s just that I tend to be a very non-serious person who turns everything into a joke. Like the time I made fun of a classmate (while eating out a box of Froot Loops) who hit a girl with his car in the high school parking lot…all WHILE the girl’s broken leg was pinned beneath his fucking tire. I nearly got my ass kicked for that one. I made the mistake of laughing at something that would be funny AFTER the fact DURING the fact. Big difference. It’s probably become an instinctive defense mechanism probably for having been depressed real young and it’s how I deal with everything. It works for me, it just took awhile to know when to keep my laughter to myself.

…for instance, this is a couple of people who I ran into tonight…
-BARTENDER (QB/TEAMMATE OF MINE): He was a dick and this was the consensus of everyone. And a lot built up to this moment where we collided: I held the door open for him in gym class Sophomore year, he pushed me hard in the chest, and I instinctively punched him in his face and then followed through on a ridiculous backhand bitchslapping after said punch. It knocked off his eye glasses. The whole gym class started laughing their ass off at him including his best friend/star of the team who said it was awesome and that he deserved it. He was so stunned that anybody would ever do that and humiliate him that he had to gather himself and walk away. I was stunned that I did it too. Even those that hated him says he has mellowed since.

-RICH KID WHO GETS THE BREAKS: made all the Varsity teams he was on and any other team that involved cuts despite how awful he was. Everybody knew this, talked about it behind his back, but when I thought he was being a dick I hit him with that. I think I was way too cutting than I should have been even if he could be really pompous. He wasn’t a bad dude other than that, but fuck. I felt awful directly after I said it.
-KYLE: when we see each other, it’s love and hugs. Always. But his locker was by mine in 7th grade. But I absolutely fucked up his locker, put deodorant everywhere, and also put dog shit in it. This is the type of shit I did when I was stuck at school until 8 PM at night due to basketball because I had no ride home like the other kids to and from. My defense: I thought his locker was some other kid I hated.

Thing is this: I do get along with everybody and I am one of the least dramatic, non-confrontational, and most mellow people in person you could hope to meet. So while I hate the idea of running into people I haven’t seen in awhile, when I do, it’s all all right.

7) I have trouble peeing in public: FOR INSTANCE: ‘Breaking your seal’ and the first time I kissed a random girl at a bar ended in disaster-I was in high school and visiting my brother where he was a bouncer at a bar in the Bronx. It was illegal that they were serving underage college kids, so it was the popular Freshman bar. I have trouble peeing in public and I couldn’t pee for hours. There was one long line line and only 2 shitty toilets and everybody is staring at you. This is hell for someone like me who doesn’t need the pressure. I can’t even pee with another person in the bathroom. So my brother, with his Don Draper firm coolness, says, ‘don’t worry, beer will help break your seal. You’ll be all right.’ He had to inform me what breaking one’s seal meant. So a random girl came up to me and started making out with me. We started dancing and grinding to “Pour Some Sugar on Me”. And I finally broke my seal all over her leg. But I think she just thought I got beer on her or some shit. My brother was looking on with his buddies clapping and I remember drunkenly yelling out to my brother while laughing, ‘HEY! I THINK I JUST BROKE MY SEAL!”. God, it would have been fitting if an R Kelly song was on. I have never felt more relieved and happy in my life than during that moment. I ended up going to the bathroom for the rest of that night without a problem and high-fiving everybody on my way out of the bathroom.

8) Hipster Dive Bars -even worse than crowded bars that play obnoxiously loud dance music are bars where they don’t have TV’s. Well, maybe they do. But they haven’t updated their analog TV and it is set on fishing or QVC just to be ironic. Fuuuuck youuu. It’s the 21st century and there’s no excuse for going into a bar and not having multiple TV’s with sports playing. Have TV’s with sports playing or GTFO. At least the loudest and most obnoxious of bars will oblige you with multiple TV’s everywhere.

———————————————-

Anyways, there’s that: I went out with a kid who I hadn’t seen since my Freshman year of high school back in 2002. I said, ‘fuck it, Let’s.’ Or as my roommate would say, ‘Do it for the story’ in his over-the-top approach to absolutely everything he does. We went to 4 different bars which is 3 more than I thought we’d be going to and ran into a shit load of people I went to high school with. But sometimes, as Hillary Duff would say, ‘why not to take a crazy chance/why not do a crazy dance’. OH, FUCK IT! I am NEVER doing that again! Not in Worcester! I still hate you!

*halfway through an Oreo McFlurry as I scroll Tumblr, spits it...

Sun, 19 May 2013 01:42:00 -0400

*halfway through an Oreo McFlurry as I scroll Tumblr, spits it all over the computer screen*

OH, MY GOD!

Bryan Fuller on friendship

Sat, 18 May 2013 13:40:52 -0400

youshallnotass:

kylekinane: I’ve watched this more than any other gif. STREET...

Sat, 18 May 2013 13:15:37 -0400

kylekinane:

I’ve watched this more than any other gif. STREET JUSTICE

Toronto Maple Leaf fans react to Game 7 loss to Bruins I was on...

Fri, 17 May 2013 14:32:00 -0400

Toronto Maple Leaf fans react to Game 7 loss to Bruins

I was on the opposite end of this awesome comeback. I am so glad a hidden camera doesn’t exist in my living room. During the Pats 2011 Super Bowl loss you would have seen me stripping down to my boxers as soon as the Giants got the ball back. I knew it was coming because the Pats D was so awful.

But like Patton Oswalt said, I’d rather have a hidden camera in my house than in my car. Anything but my car and the random shit I say, sing, invisible people/animals I talk to. It is a trainwreck.

gregrutter: fuckyounofuckme: I Can’t Stop Watching This Dude...

Fri, 17 May 2013 14:14:14 -0400

gregrutter:

fuckyounofuckme:

I Can’t Stop Watching This Dude Eat Cotton Candy In Reverse

I tried for an hour to get this GIF to a bloggable size yesterday. So happy that Jason figured it out.

Creed Bratton-“All the Faces” (original song as...

Fri, 17 May 2013 07:52:35 -0400

Creed Bratton-“All the Faces” (original song as played on the finale)

don’t want to post any .gifs or anything that gives away anything from last night’s finale of the Office. But I really enjoyed it and this song was handled well. The last couple of episodes were a good way to help me remember just how great the Office could be when it had its fastball going.

“I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.” I cried like a baby at that line and had to pause it. And the closing lines of the show were fitting.

'The Office': A look back at a brilliant, volatile comedy mix

Thu, 16 May 2013 19:15:54 -0400

'The Office': A look back at a brilliant, volatile comedy mix:

Exactly what I was hoping to read and Sepinwall knocked it out of the park.

-“the Injury”=my personal favorite episode. That’s coming up the most as favorites of everyone.
-the fire drill done post Super Bowl=my favorite cold opening episode.

"At the end of a long statement CBS put out this morning, Bays said, “Our ninth season will tell the..."

Thu, 16 May 2013 19:06:09 -0400

“At the end of a long statement CBS put out this morning, Bays said, “Our ninth season will tell the epic story of the longest wedding weekend ever. We hope you like it. Next stop, Farhampton…””

- http://www.hitfix.com/whats-alan-watching/after-how-i-met-your-mother-finale-what-comes-next

Wow. I didn’t think I could hate this show more, but it looks like I’m going to. Gah, what a terrible idea.

(via uninterrupted-mournfulness)

theclearlydope: WORTH READING: Drew Magary’s new book Someone...

Thu, 16 May 2013 09:25:35 -0400

theclearlydope:

WORTH READING: Drew Magary’s new book Someone Could Get Hurt is released to the world today. It has inspired me to become a dad. Who wants to carry my child?

Get it here: http://bigdaddydrew.tumblr.com

We were told to comb the desert, so we’re combing it.Found...

Wed, 15 May 2013 23:08:38 -0400

We were told to comb the desert, so we’re combing it.

Found anything yet?!

Rainn Wilson gets teary-eyed in cast farewell video part...

Wed, 15 May 2013 19:20:51 -0400

Rainn Wilson gets teary-eyed in cast farewell video part 1

I’m grateful for having this show around even if it goes without saying that it has been really awful the past 3-4 years and should have ended before Steve Carell left (it should have never stuck around with Steve Carell: and, holy shit, has Ed Helms been the worst on this show as soon as Carell left).

Ever since this show has been around I don’t think I ever have gone a day without saying “That’s what she said” amongst co-workers, family, or friends. And it is never not funny.

As bad as the last couple of years of the show have been, they’ve roped me back in with the recent Jim-Pam and Dwight material of the past couple episodes. Really looking forward to tomorrow night’s finale and hope Carell makes his cameo (if he’s not in it then someone fucked up)

…worthwhile reads to remember and re-live why this show was awesome…

Grantland Youtube: Best Moments from the Office
http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/77095/youtube-hof-office-party?ex_cid=grantland33

Andy Greenwald’s wake for the Office’: when it was good, it was truly great
http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/9277121/the-end-office?ex_cid=grantland33

Really looking forward to Alan Sepinwall’s write-up as well as really any others.

You're Fucked, But You're Free: A Message To The Class Of 2013

Wed, 15 May 2013 18:34:45 -0400

You're Fucked, But You're Free: A Message To The Class Of 2013:

It’s May, which means it’s time once again for actors and writers and politicians and whatever Thomas Friedman is to hit the graduation circuit and hold senior classes hostage for hours and hours in 85-degree heat. These grad speeches are little more than TED talks in funny hats. Trust me: One day, you will see speakers ditch the podium and go straight for the telemarketer ear piece and microphone, the way TED speakers do it. Here’s the format for most of these speeches…

My favorite writer doing one of his annual Balls Deep Graduation Speech. Always great.

the Vampire Weekend -live walking through streets of Paris (La...

Tue, 14 May 2013 17:48:11 -0400

the Vampire Weekend -live walking through streets of Paris (La Blogotheque)

I didn’t like this band when I heard them. What turned me into them was this La Blogotheque video series (if you have a band and they’ve done this series of street performances, see it). It’s pretty amazing.

the Wonder Years-“There, There”

Tue, 14 May 2013 17:42:36 -0400

the Wonder Years-“There, There”

New Release Tuesday -also heard that the National leaked

Tue, 14 May 2013 17:41:00 -0400

New Release Tuesday

-also heard that the National leaked

Photo

Tue, 14 May 2013 17:21:42 -0400

Brooklyn Nine Nine Andy Samberg’s comedy from Michael...

Tue, 14 May 2013 13:30:24 -0400

Brooklyn Nine Nine

Andy Samberg’s comedy from Michael Schur (creator of the Office & Parks and Recreation). Love the cast and that Andre Braugher is in a comedy.

how the hell did NBC lose this one to FOX given that Samberg & Schur come from their own network? Wow.

I think Samberg on this show comes closest to what we would see Chris Pratt as Bert Macklin all the time.

http://www.uproxx.com/tv/2013/05/watch-the-trailer-for-brooklyn-nine-nine-the-new-comedy-from-the-creators-of-parks-rec/

Surviving Jack trailer trailer for comedy from Justin Halpern...

Tue, 14 May 2013 13:18:05 -0400

Surviving Jack trailer

trailer for comedy from Justin Halpern (Shit My Dad Says; I Suck at Girls). Can’t wait for this. Chris Meloni (Law & Order) is so overdue for a comedy.

Loved Justin Halpern’s dad’s reaction as to who Chris Meloni is: “the guy who hates rape?”